The Effects of Depression - Does he know he's hurting you?

Families and friends of depressed people are often at a loss when it comes to helping their loved one.  Nothing that one might say or do seems to help.  The confusion and pain can become so overwhelming that friends and family withdraw more and more to protect themselves.

                An individual suffering from depression often has no idea what effects his situation is having on others.  The only thing that person can see is their own pain.  Even people who have a long history of depression may not be able to recognize the signs of their own illness, and may do or say things that harm others without even knowing it.  Even if their actions seem intentional, they are not.  Life can be so totally out of control sometimes that they even resort to hurting themselves in the attempt to be rid of their pain.  Suicide, drug & alcohol abuse, cutting, and other destructive behaviors can result.  These may seem to the outsider to only contribute to the problem, but they are truly attempts at escape.

                The person wants help, though they may not know it themselves, and may refuse it when offered.  The resulting loss of friends, jobs, family and home only feeds the fire.  They can’t see the effects of their actions at all, and may believe self medicating with drugs & alcohol is actually helping.  All the help that is offered will be ignored until that person decides to end the cycle.  This may take weeks, months, even years.  They may even seem to pursue help, but are only ‘going through the motions’.  Real change can only be seen over time.

                Family and friends suffer too.  A child can be especially devastated when a parent disappears into themselves and isn’t emotionally available to nurture and show their love.  Married life falls apart as one partner becomes unable to cope with the demands of life.  All the responsibility of taking care of the family, as well as the victim of depression, falls on the ‘surviving’ spouse.  Over time, the effects of depression can spread to others, especially those who try the most to help, those that the depressed person most relies on for support – emotional or physical - or just an ear to listen.  These people seem to absorb their friend’s pain, and at times can’t distinguish it from their own. 

                Friends and family must learn the same coping skills that their loved one will have to.  The basic needs of an individual – sleep, food, exercise & love – need to be controlled.  Regular rest, nutritional meals at a consistent time of day, regular exercise are mandatory.  Most important, the sufferer and the care giver must recognize and accept the love they have for each other.