Second Hand Family Depression

                Depression has a knack for spreading.  It seeps into the corners of your mind, and flows out to affect others.  It’s a blinding disease, keeping sufferers from recognizing it, hiding behind emotions like anger & apathy, worry, anguish, and sometimes even happiness.

                Parents & children, husbands & wives, girlfriends & boyfriends, even friends and family beyond the nuclear core, suffer from the effects of ‘second hand’ depression.  Devastated and at a loss as to what to do for their loved one, they may not be fully aware of their own suffering.  Beyond the pain, the impact on their own health can lead to long & short term damage to their lives.  The same symptoms that were so hard to see in their loved one begin to manifest in themselves, rippling through the lives of those around them as well.  The cycle continues, and spreads.

                How do you help your brother when you’re helpless as well?  How do you hold on during your teenage daughter’s long recovery, when your own life starts falling apart?  You have to take care of yourself first.  Before you can be any good to your family, you have to be good to yourself. 

                Support groups and books abound on the subject of depression, but there is but much less covering the effects on others.  Treatment must begin as if you were the original sufferer.  Find help.  Find a good therapist, a good psychiatrist, and above all, a good friend.  The same support groups that are there for your sister or mother are there for you too.  Learn to recognize the signs and symptoms in yourself.  Learn how to heal and take care of yourself.  Pay attention to your own basic needs, sleep, food & peace, even if it means not being available to anyone for a time.  Don’t expect a change overnight.  It won’t happen.  The process is long – years, maybe even for the rest of your life – but in the end, you’ll also understand what your loved one needs most from you.

The Effects of Depression - Does he know he's hurting you?

Families and friends of depressed people are often at a loss when it comes to helping their loved one.  Nothing that one might say or do seems to help.  The confusion and pain can become so overwhelming that friends and family withdraw more and more to protect themselves.

                An individual suffering from depression often has no idea what effects his situation is having on others.  The only thing that person can see is their own pain.  Even people who have a long history of depression may not be able to recognize the signs of their own illness, and may do or say things that harm others without even knowing it.  Even if their actions seem intentional, they are not.  Life can be so totally out of control sometimes that they even resort to hurting themselves in the attempt to be rid of their pain.  Suicide, drug & alcohol abuse, cutting, and other destructive behaviors can result.  These may seem to the outsider to only contribute to the problem, but they are truly attempts at escape.

                The person wants help, though they may not know it themselves, and may refuse it when offered.  The resulting loss of friends, jobs, family and home only feeds the fire.  They can’t see the effects of their actions at all, and may believe self medicating with drugs & alcohol is actually helping.  All the help that is offered will be ignored until that person decides to end the cycle.  This may take weeks, months, even years.  They may even seem to pursue help, but are only ‘going through the motions’.  Real change can only be seen over time.

                Family and friends suffer too.  A child can be especially devastated when a parent disappears into themselves and isn’t emotionally available to nurture and show their love.  Married life falls apart as one partner becomes unable to cope with the demands of life.  All the responsibility of taking care of the family, as well as the victim of depression, falls on the ‘surviving’ spouse.  Over time, the effects of depression can spread to others, especially those who try the most to help, those that the depressed person most relies on for support – emotional or physical - or just an ear to listen.  These people seem to absorb their friend’s pain, and at times can’t distinguish it from their own. 

                Friends and family must learn the same coping skills that their loved one will have to.  The basic needs of an individual – sleep, food, exercise & love – need to be controlled.  Regular rest, nutritional meals at a consistent time of day, regular exercise are mandatory.  Most important, the sufferer and the care giver must recognize and accept the love they have for each other.

On Depression - The Final Frontier

Welcome...

Depression.  Yes, I've been there.  No, it's not fun.  I'm not crazy, handicapped, or any other label that people like to stick on you.  Labels make you easier to accept without the need for real understanding.  If you must, label me Sean.

I've been dealing with depression for 40 years.  I know you've been there too, or are there now, maybe trying to find your way back out, or have just returned and are contemplating a little return visit soon.  This is a space to "get it all out", for those less comfortable with face to face discussions about the effects of their depression on themselves, their family, and friends.

Relate your stories, good or bad, sob the sobs, laugh the cackling "What the hell do I care, it can't any worse" laugh, and be kind.  Mean people suck, and are just creating their own hell for all eternity (see the Twilight Zone episode with John Aston).

I hate using the term 'depression' - it's such a depressing word.  My family uses the term "when you're sick", which is ok - it implies a need to take better care of myself, which is usually the case.  The rest of my family just thinks it's all in my head - of course it is, that's the problem!

It took thirty five years to come to terms with my depression.  I really thought this was my own little hell, and no one knew anything about it.  My dark little secret.  I've spent the last five years slowly regaining control of my life, and allowing my family to do the same.